100 days ago I decided enough was enough. A long look in the mirror revealed that I was taking just a little too much shit in the world. At the time I was dealing with a work-related situation where I was clearly being taken advantage of. And although I knew the situation did not serve me I still felt the need to stay out of some sort of guilt. I had nothing to feel guilty about, no reason to stay, yet the needs of my employer still were more important to me than my own needs. I wondered how I had slipped into this place where humility became downright cowardice. I decided then and there that I not only needed to leave that situation I also needed to implement a 100 days of self love challenge so that I didn't find myself in this situation again.
This sounded easier than it was at first. I had no idea what to do really. Loving others comes so easy but loving myself was a challenge. I thought "What in the hell do I do?" Some days I'd be so busy that implementing self-love felt like more of a chore than a reward. As the time went on however it got easier and easier. I started rewarding myself with snacks the first week. Sweets, coffees, cocoas, all of my favorite things. Then I started realizing what I needed versus what I wanted. Just in the same way you give tough love to a child sometimes you need to love yourself with some discipline.
I soon began naturally, taking better care of my body, it was almost effortless. Eating better, exercising more, making healthy food options and giving myself what I needed was gradually and naturally a reward and not a chore. Somedays self-love was a nap, sometimes it was yoga, meditation or exercise, sometimes it was a healthy meal. As time went on these things all became part of my daily ritual of self love. I enjoyed all of these things much more than usual because I was valuing myself more. They were not a task but a gift to myself because I was deserving of these gifts. I documented my experiences on social media via Instagram and Twitter but with all of the violence in the media, especially in my country of the United States some days self-love was about simply staying off of the internet!
As I began actually loving myself, not just saying I do but intentionally doing it every single day things started to fall into place in other areas of my life. I was able to distance myself from all negative people and energies that did not serve me without feeling guilty or weighed down by the decision. I was able to pursue some of my dreams like designing my own collection of fashions and studying reiki and dance. Yes these are all things I've wanted to do for a long time but there was so much hesitation within. "Is this even a good idea ?" "Am I going to be a professional at this now?" "Is this worth my time?" All of these self-doubting questions ran through my head. If something is of interest to you it's always worth your time. You don't owe anyone an explanation for pursuing your interests. And you never know where your interests may lead you if you never pursue them.
Along my journey I was reconnected with a friend of mine who saw my growth and potential and agreed to be my guru. He spends our times together teaching me about mind, body and spirit connection and I have access to ask all of the questions I want. This has been a truly amazing experience and something I expected to see in an Eddie Murphy movie from the 80's, not in my actual life in the beautiful Thailand. Information I've learned about the body has helped me to heal myself and take care of myself way more than I was capable of when I started out. I have worked through emotions I have felt I was unable to release for years and the way I approach my day has changed. I now start my mornings with God, making a devotion to God and then myself and loving myself. I set aside at least 10 minutes to meditated and then focus on my diet and yoga or exercise. Ensuring that I have the proper vitamins and minerals is vital to my day because I know how much better my mind and body act and react based on if it's well-nourished.
Becoming a "healer" is not exactly what I had in mind when I started this project of "100 Days of Self Love". I wanted to feel happier and stronger. But calling myself a healer walking around like I know everything was and is not my intention. My guru or "G" (as I call him in my other posts) explained to me however that our valuable enlightening experiences are not to be withheld because of our own ego and fears. I was anxious to even attempt to write about spirituality, health or my personal experiences but as I learn, it's practically my duty to do so. (And here I am conquering another fear and letting go projections based on past traumas.Cha-ching! )
The things I've accomplished in my personal life in the past 100 days are things that I've been holding off on or too nervous or anxious or self-doubting to do for years. Through all of the anxiety and doubt I have found a piece of myself that I lost years ago. And I'm glad to have me back.
"100 Days of Self Love" is something I think every single person should do. It's caring for yourself in a way that you would care for your lover or child. It's making the best decisions for yourself even when it's difficult. It's valuing your body, your voice and your existence. And once you allow yourself that space, you never know what lies ahead for you just on the other side of your self-doubt.